Monogamy is a tricky topic that has continued to pop up in conversation
with friends over the years. In my early 20s, it didn't seem feasible. Who
wanted to slam the door shut on all sorts of interesting potential partners at
such a young age? Weren't we encouraged to date and explore without the
pretense of a monogamous relationship? Quite often, as a 20-something, I was
encouraged to date around and avoid settling down. Hadn't I all the time in the
world to become someone's significant other?
I think back to those margarita/cosmopolitan/SOB-induced evenings with my
girlfriends trying to piece together the mysteries around our personal lives
and solve some of our most pressing issues during my university time. Issues
like deciding whether or not to be exclusive with someone or determining when
it's too early to use the word l-o-v-e. Truly, these were some of the most
important conversations I would have in my 20s. Sharing each other's
experiences helped shape my own definition of a relationship and what that
means to me.
It wasn't so much that I was interested in having multiple partners. I
landed in a series of relationships throughout my early 20s, albeit not all of
them were monogamous or meaningful. Yet as my network of friends and colleagues
grew and the conversation around monogamy continued, I eventually met people
who participated in open relationships. In some cases it was strictly sexual,
where the couple would invite other partners to join them in the bedroom. This
seemed to be the most common scenario. With other couples, they would open
their relationship right up, both sexually and emotionally.
I have nothing but respect for people who choose to conduct their personal
life this way, but it does make me curious. Doesn't anyone get jealous? Is it
really healthy to watch your lover carry on with another partner? Are humans
truly capable of letting go and making this kind of relationship work?
A friend of mine has been in a committed, open relationship for nearly a
decade. He and his partner share a loving bond, but they're both open to the
other pursuing sexual relationships outside of their own. I blatantly asked my
friend how she could stand it.
Didn't it bother her when her partner would pair up with another woman
right in front of her? She said that she could either drive herself crazy over
it, or she could choose to evolve and be open — both she and her partner — to
being with other people in an open, trusted environment. She chose the latter.
In another case, a friend of mine, who married to her then boyfriend at 22
while still an undergraduate in the university decided to switch partners with
another married couple. I wouldn't label them as swingers, but rather a couple
exploring the boundaries of their marriage and sexual relationship. She doesn't
recall feeling jealous or hurt, but in retrospect didn't feel like they had a
solid marriage. They divorced a few months ago.
Whether you're up for an open relationship or prefer one partner, I don't
think we'll ever really know if human beings were built for monogamy or meant
to mate for life. Monogamy, to me, is an ongoing conversation you have with
yourself and more importantly, with your partner.
As for me, I do not know if i will remain
monogamous forever. As it stands today, I certainly intend to try. But I think
that's a lot of pressure to put on any relationship. Monogamy has to be a
lifelong dialogue that takes place as you grow and evolve.