The Deal with Sex

Not too long ago, I was browsing the home page of a local mainstream news portal. There was a small section at the side of the page featuring a list of the five “most viewed” articles at the current time. Here were the headlines of those articles, in the order of which they originally appeared:

- Maid saves boss from naked man


- Lonesome women seek lust-ing relationships


- Man exposes self in front of mistress’ house


- Paying a heavy price for e-love


- PM: Don’t idolize the bad guys

The obvious observation to make here is the fact that four out of five of the news portal’s most popular articles involve sexual elements of some form or another.

When news of a leaked video depicting a certain prominent politician having sex first leaked out earlier this year, everyone — be it the press or the public — went absolutely wild.

Mobile phones beeped incessantly as links to the video went viral via text messaging, commentaries from various politicians were splashed on the front pages of newspapers for days, and for quite a while, it was all the town talked about.

At that point, it is also interesting to note that even the earthquake disaster that struck Japan at around the same time, as well as the ensuing issues with damaged nuclear reactors, failed to warrant coverage that was nearly as extensive.

More recently, we see the latest political warfare surrounding the vicious rumours implicating the young son of a politician. Whether or not such rumours are true lie beyond the scope of this article; the point is, the sex card is played time and time again because it just works.

Indeed, news of extramarital affairs, sex rituals, and the ever-improvising modus operandi of the flesh trade, never fails to grab headlines [and public attention].

Everyone seems to love talking about sex. We appear to be fascinated by the idea, and eagerly lap up the spicy offerings that the media dishes out to us on a daily basis.

The media cannot be entirely blamed for their extensive coverage on such news. Why?

The public wants to read about sex.

Sex stirs controversy. Sex is sensational. Sex sells.

It is probably not unreasonable to say that the values embraced by a particular society can be reflected in its interests and its reaction to certain events. An optimist would suggest that this means we care very much about marital faithfulness and respecting the dignity and autonomy of women. This might also indicate a strong public disapproval of the dirty flesh trade.

We therefore exhibit interest in such news because we feel very strongly about these values and issues; it is a manifestation of our attempts to safeguard these values.

A cynic, on the other hand, might say that such keen interest is merely propelled by sheer curiosity. From the cynic’s point of view, everything can simply be explained by twisted curiosity for sex and other tabloid news of the sort.

He may laugh at the optimist’s assertion that this is merely our response in defending noble values, and derisively point at the sexist remarks uttered by some of our MPs to counter the optimist. Worse still, he sees that the very fact that such happenings are rampant breaks down any argument of that line.

If we are tired of seeing the sex card being played and thrown about for cheap political mileage, and headlines of the latest sex scandal unnecessarily dominating the front pages [as well as the talk of the town!] when we could be focusing our attentions on more pressing matters, perhaps it is high time we reshape our priorities and do a little soul-searching with regards to the values we hold dear.

Do we really just have a tabloid-ish curiosity? Or has this always been about protecting our values that we care so much about — values of being faithful, of not being promiscuous, and of respecting women? If it is the latter, can we strive to behave consistently with these values? Do we live up to the very standards that we purport to adhere to?

The cynic, in the meantime, continues chuckling as he flips through the daily papers, splashed with colourful news of MPs making scathing sexist comments, of people blaming rape victims themselves for getting raped, and of unfaithful husbands being caught in the act by their angry wives.

“We care about these values? What values?” The cynic asks.

This is surely depressing news for all of us!

The Virtue of "I Don't Know"

 “Why is the sky blue?”“Where do people go when they die?”“Where do I come from?”

Kids are born as natural scientists. They love to ask these sorts of questions ― something you would realise from spending some time with them.They are inquisitive, and they love to find out how things work. Most importantly, they are not afraid to bombard you with questions constantly.

The same cannot be said for us adults. We are too lazy to ask, or rather, we just can’t be bothered. We are no longer those naturals, as we were when younger.I believe kids are natural scientists because they are not afraid to confess, to say these three words: “I DON’T KNOW.” 

This is not the case with most adults. It is ingrained in our minds that saying “I don’t know” is a weakness.So here’s the thing I would like to propose, as a way to keep this inquisitive nature as we grow up: Let us say “I don’t know” more often.

The words “I don’t know” become a negative thing quite early in our lives. When young kids ask a lot of questions, we find them cute. We encourage them, we entertain them. The moment they reach school-going age though, that’s when it stops being cute.

People do not take to questioners kindly, especially some teachers. An education system (like the one we currently have in Malaysia) that puts emphasis on rote learning, repetitions to drive home points, and memorising ― do not do well with questions.Questions are disruptive. They are distractions. Questions waste time. So we expect our students to just know their stuff, preferably by themselves.

This attitude, I believe, has its roots in religion, or to be exact, in religious teachings. This is especially true of the three Abrahamic religions: Judaism, Christianity, and Islam as well as others as Hinduism and Buddhism.

When was the last time one was expected, or allowed to question religion? Pity the inquisitive student who wanted to know how Muhammad ever cleaved the moon, or how it was possible for Jesus to be born of a virgin, or what sorcery Moses used to part the Red Sea.

Religion favours simple, authoritative answers. Questions like “how did the universe start?” and “what happened to the dinosaurs?” are more likely to be swiped aside with definitive answers such as “only God knows,”

This method might work well to teach religion, but not for topics that require independent thought, and critical reasoning. It certainly does not work well in breeding curiosity.

Some people will find these simple, authoritative answers to be very comforting. As for me, I think it’s an easy way out. It’s a lazy way of avoiding questions that we find too challenging for ourselves.

If I were to ask myself, “How did the universe start?”, well I’ll be damned... I know somewhat about the Big Bang, but what happened before? I, frankly, don’t know.And that’s the truth.Herein lies the virtue of saying “I don’t know”, because the opposite, at most times — is to bullshit, a dangerous act which can be worse than simply lying.

In his book, the appropriately-named “On Bullshit”, philosopher Harry Frankfurt explained that liars know what they say is not true. Bullshitters, on the other hand, do not care about the truth.At these times, saying “I don’t know” is the more honest step, and it might be the smarter way too. 

Saying “I don’t know” means that you will never jump to conclusions, and you are always open to different explanations. It means your opinions are not set in stone. It’s a show of willingness to listen, and learn. Saying “I don’t know” does not have to be a weakness. It is not an apology, and one does not have to be ashamed of saying it.

However, to make it work, “I don’t know” must not be accompanied by the bliss of being ignorant. To turn it into something positive, I suggest, every time we say “I don’t know”, we follow it up with “I will find out.”

“How did the universe start?”
“What happened to the dinosaurs?”
“Well, I don’t know, but I will find out.”

This way, you change an expression of defeat, into a drive to better yourself. This is certainly not easy work, but it will be very much worth it when one discovers that there are many things that one has yet to learn, and be humbled by it. Try it at least once today. 
Over time, that kid in you, that natural scientist in you, will surface again.

Francis Bacon was one of the pioneers of the scientific method, it was even called Baconian method back then. Here is what he had to say, which I think sums this up perfectly:

“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts, but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties.”

Tradition, Anyone?

I was in both the English and Malay debate teams in high school. I got the impression that the teachers invited me to join the respective teams not so much because of my oratory skills, which were probably only decent, but mainly because I was fiercely willing to argue the hell out of things back then.

Win or lose was simply not much of a priority. And of course there was the small matter of getting to meet equally smart students (boys, mainly) during debate tournaments (There were not much intelligent boys in my school then).

My first assignment when leading an English debate team was this topic — “Traditions are a waste of time” — and we were the proposing team.

I still vividly remember our debate team teacher laughing her head off when we were given the topic a few days before the tournament started. My friends and I were like headless chickens!

Being only 16 and raised around the usual (typical) Indian environment of "girls are not suppose to do this" and all sorts of other traditions, having to be the proposers for a topic like this quite simply boggled the mind. I couldn’t remember the arguments I used!

I did put up a good fight because even though our team lost I still managed to get the Best Speaker award — I told you I loved to argue. And yes, we were up against a team of smart and good looking boys from Malay College Kuala Kangsar, so maybe we got soft?

Anyway, that was when I was an innocent 16-year-old kid. After living 9 more years and having seen quite a bit more of the world and such, I’m not quite sure whether I’d be as apprehensive about proposing such a topic anymore.

Not that I’m saying that all traditions are a waste of time. They are a part of who we are whether we like it or not, especially for us Malaysians, but there are a few things that have the potential to do more harm than good now that the world’s drastically changing.

Let’s just take our general prudishness about anything related to sex, for example. We keep on shaking our heads at the ever-increasing cases of abandoned babies and are still blaming loose morals amongst the young for this unfortunate phenomenon.

We have this unreasonable expectation (or delusion?) that our young ones are all angelic and innocent, and should be protected from "dirty" things, so talking about sex with our kids is just a big no-no.

But seriously, when kids these days can freely watch things like "The Hills" or "Gossip Girl" on TV, can we seriously expect them not to get curious and not emulate what they see on TV?

Yes, tradition dictates that we should all be chaste and such, but it’s fairly obvious that kids these days are doing "it." Blaming loose morals or anything else along those lines is not going to change anything.

It would be a lot more helpful if parents (and the people that parents look up to, like religious personalities etc) were to stop being so delusional and at least consider more realistic damage limitation measures.

Talk to kids about sex. It’s way more dangerous for them to learn about sex from watching porn (which I’m pretty sure is how most of us Malaysians got our first sexual "education") than to learn about it from their parents.

You can of course remind or warn them not to do it, but at the very least you can let them know that if they are going to do it anyway to at least be safe about it.

Our traditional and dogged refusal to openly discuss sex may be silly, but it can and has led to problems, not just teenage pregnancies. We have seen the rise of AIDS amongst married women and their children, passed on to them by ignorant and unthinking husbands who have unprotected sex with prostitutes, and perhaps with other men.

And we all know how bad we Malaysians treat people with AIDS. I’ve actually read statements made by clerics in the national newspapers to not blame husbands (let alone refuse them) for wanting to have unprotected sex – because it feels better.

Don’t even get me started about the traditional place that women are expected to be in here in Malaysia, or how we are supposed to feel beholden to everyone, be it our elders and even our government, for I can write a way longer essay on each and every one of these topics. So yes, some traditions are a waste of time. What say you?