I think wedding dinners are dull because all one does is sit there and eat a tonne of food while the newlyweds parade around looking married. It’s slightly more tolerable if you’re a close relative/friend because you’re celebrating with people you know and care about, but if you’re just a girlfriend of a distant cousin’s pet rabbit, the message they’re sending out by inviting you to their wedding dinner is “Get stuffed, we’re married.”
This experience would at least be a little more bearable if they put some effort into choosing the music they play during the dinner. I was at a wedding recently where they played “Lady in Red” while the bride walked down the aisle in a red dress. That’s about as original as playing Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” at a Chindian wedding.
If any thought had been put into that choice (which I doubt), they would have realised it was a bad one. Chris De Burgh (who wrote the song) said it was inspired by his wife Diane, as well as men who can’t remember what their wives were wearing when they first met them.
So if you’re going to play this song at your wedding, don’t be too surprised when he forgets your anniversary and has an affair with the 19-year-old nanny while you’re in hospital recovering from a horse riding accident.
Another one that’s quite popular is that “Two Is Better Than One” song. I know some women find it romantic, but I can’t see why. The lyrics are “Maybe it’s true I can’t live without you, maybe two is better than one”, and it’s by a band called Boys Like Girls.
This is a song which conceals “You are not enough but I’m too much of a jerk to tell you that so let's get married” behind the thin veil of “I’m no good without you.” So girls, if your man has convinced you this is romantic, you need to get the hell out of there and have your head checked.
“I Will Survive” is a song that people like to play when dessert is served. I honestly do not understand this because everyone, women especially, should know that it’s a song about a break-up. So why would anyone choose to play this song at their wedding? Because they are secretly gay, that’s why.
Over the years, “I Will Survive” has been used a lot by gay rights movements, and HIV/AIDS awareness programmes. In fact, it is practically the anthem at gay bars and clubs. Also, the version most popular is the original by a certain Gloria GAYnor. Gosh, it’s so blatant!
So those of you who are getting married soon should be very careful when choosing wedding songs for the sake of your guests and yourselves. Personally, I think you should refrain from love songs and choose neutral tunes such as “Who Let the Dogs Out” by The Bahamen.
In fact, you should get a bunch of stray dogs, have them cleaned and neutered, and release them while that song is playing. Get the MC to announce that these are party favours in an effort to limit the number of strays from being put down by the authorities willy-nilly. This will encourage compassion and help build the self-esteem of the dogs.
That’s just one suggestion. The possibilities are endless. Give me a shout if you need help planning your wedding. I am also available for birthdays and christenings.